Today, I wonder

This blog is a bit different. There's no aim, no 'wisdom' to share, no words of encouragement or even courage. Just truth, from the heart. 

Today I found myself visiting the old recruitment websites I used to use when I was in the charity sector. Sitting in front of my laptop, I was feeling low. And anxious. In case you hadn't noticed there are a lot of yoga teachers in Bristol, and in case you hadn't noticed there are not many places to teach - at least not if you teach like I do and use a lot of bolsters and blankets!

And, if you've read many of my blogs, heard me speak in workshops or perhaps read the story on my website, you might also know that money (and lack of it) was a big theme in my formative years. And that part of my leap to become a yoga teacher took a huge amount of faith, optimism and courage.

Today I wonder. Wonder about this thing called money. Wonder why I let go of my other work. And I wonder whether it's worth it. I wonder if I really want to take on more classes just to pay the bills, when so far I have thrived on teaching from the heart. I wonder how I am meant to practice what I preach, and live the principles of rest is radical, and live well? I wonder if my belief in 'the Universe' is actually naive and spoilt? 

I wonder if by leaving the charity sector I left work I was good at, work that mattered, and a career that offered a form of stability and security?

And even as I write this words that pesky yet persistent voice inside of me tells me, no. Keep doing the work. Make the choice to be positive. Don't panic. Trust. And share. Because sharing for me, sharing my words, my thoughts, makes me feel so vulnerable. And I was once told by a wonderful, trusted teacher, that my strength is in my vulnerability. 

There is no nice ending to this blog, no 3 steps to positive thinking or success. Today, I simply wonder.